Why a Wife Might Refuse Intimacy – Islamic Perspective

1. The Wife Who Refused Intimacy Over Her Husband’s Wrongdoing Until Allah’s Ruling Came Down in Her Favor

It is mentioned in Durr al-Munthur by al-Suyuti:
وأخرج أحمد وأبو داود ، وابن المنذر ، والطبراني ، وابن مردويه ، والبيهقي ، من طريق يوسف بن عبد الله بن سلام قال : حدثتني خولة بنت ثعلبة قالت : في والله وفي أوس بن الصامت أنزل الله صدر سورة «المجادلة»، قالت : كنت عنده، وكان شيخا كبيرا قد ساء خلقه، فدخل علي يوما فراجعته بشيء فغضب، فقال : أنت علي كظهر أمي، ثم رجع فجلس في نادي قومه ساعة، ثم دخل علي، فإذا هو يريدني عن نفسي، قلت : كلا، والذي نفس خويلة بيده لا تصل إلي وقد قلت ما قلت، حتى يحكم الله ورسوله فينا، ثم جئت إلى رسول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم – فذكرت له ذلك، فما برحت حتى نزل القرآن، فتغشى رسول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم – ما كان يتغشاه، ثم سري عنه، فقال لي : «يا خولة قد أنزل الله فيك وفي صاحبك» ثم قرأ علي : قد سمع الله قول التي تجادلك في زوجها إلى قوله : عذاب أليم

Narrated by Aḥmad, Abū Dāwūd, Ibn al-Mundhir, al-Ṭabarānī, Ibn Mardawayh, and al-Bayhaqī through the chain of Yūsuf ibn ʿAbd Allāh ibn Salām, who said:

Khawlah bint Thaʿlabah said:
“By Allah, it was regarding me and Aws ibn al-Ṣāmit that the beginning of Sūrat al-Mujādilah was revealed. I was with him as his wife, and he was an aged man with a bad character (with regards to anger). One day, he came in and I said something back to him. He got angry and said: ‘You are to me like the back of my mother.’

Then he left and sat with his people for a while. He later returned and wanted to approach me intimately. I said: ‘No, by the One in Whose Hand is the soul of Khawlah, you will not touch me after having said what you said, until Allah and His Messenger pass judgment between us.’

So I went to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and told him what happened. I did not move from my place until the Qur’ān was revealed. The Prophet ﷺ was in the state of revelation. He said to me: ‘O Khawlah, Allah has revealed (verses) about you and your husband.’ Then he recited to me: {Indeed Allah has heard the statement of her who argues with you concerning her husband…} to {a painful punishment} (Surah al-Mujādilah, 58:1–4).”

‘Alawi bin Abdul‑Qadir as‑Saqqaf said: Hasan in Takhreej Ahadeeth wal Athaar Fe Dhilal ul Quran no. 829

2. Is a Woman Sinful if She Refuses Her Husband Due to Temporary Psychological State or Illness?

Sheikh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) replied regarding normal circumstances:

3. Can a Woman Deny His Rights if He Does Not Fulfill Her Rights?

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

“In brief, the words mentioned in the Hadith are general, but they are restricted to the husband fulfilling his wife’s rights. If he does not fulfill her rights, she is entitled to demand her rights and deny his rights in the same manner that he denies her rights. Allah says: {So whoever has assaulted you, then assault him in the same way that he has assaulted you.} [Quran 2:194] and {And if you punish [an enemy, O believers], punish with an equivalent of that with which you were harmed.} [Quran 16:126].”
(Islamweb)

In the Hashia of Tuhfat al-Muhtaj, Ibn Hajar was asked whether a wife would be considered disobedient (nashiz) if she refused intimacy due to her husband’s poor hygiene or unkempt hair. He replied:

“She would not be considered disobedient. Just as a woman can insist that her husband provide for her, he can also be required to maintain his personal hygiene. Any situation causing a person distress requires the husband to act to alleviate it.”
(Islamweb)

5. Conditions for Marital Intimacy

Ibn Hazm said:

“So long as the woman called is not menstruating, sick and likely to be harmed by intercourse, or observing an obligatory fast, she should accept his call.” (Al-Muhalla, 10/40)

Al-Bahuti (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

“The husband has the right to enjoy his wife at any time, so long as that does not prevent her from performing obligatory duties or harm her; otherwise, he does not have the right.” (*Kashshaf Al-Qina`, 5/189)

Housewives should keep themselves engaged in beneficial activities at home. Satan approaches the idle and whispers to them to watch illicit movies or dramas, interact inappropriately with non-mahrams, or fall into harmful overthinking about their husband, father, or others.

1. Ibn ‘Abidin said:
   أما العمل الذي لا ضرر له فيه: فلا وجه لمنعها عنه؛ خصوصا في حال غيبته من بيته، فإن ترك المرأة بلا عمل في بيتها يؤدي إلى وساوس النفس والشيطان، أو الاشتغال بما لا يعني مع الأجانب والجيران”.

“As for work in which there is no harm to her, there is no reason to prevent her from it—especially in the case of her husband’s absence from the house. Leaving a woman without any work in her home leads to whispers of the self and of Shayṭān, or to being preoccupied with matters that do not concern her, such as interactions with strangers and neighbors.”
(Hashiyat Ibn ‘Abidin, 3/603)

2. Ibn al-Salah said:
   وَلَيْسَ لَهُ منعهَا من الْخياطَة والرقم والغزل وَنَحْوهَا فِي منزله”

“He does not have the right to prevent her from sewing, embroidery, spinning, or similar activities within the home.”
(Fatawa Ibn al-Salah, 2/453)

3. Ibn Nujaym (may Allah have mercy on him) said in Al-Bahr al-Ra’iq (5/77):
   المرأة لا يجب عليها طاعة الزوج في كل ما يأمر به ؛ إنما ذلك فيما يرجع إلى النكاح وتوابعه

“A woman is not obliged to obey her husband in everything he commands; her obligation is only regarding matters related to marriage and its consequences.”

Beyond the above, there is no obedience to a husband in disobedience to Allah Almighty, which is agreed upon by consensus.

Examples of good activities for women at home include:

1. Reading Islamic literature.

2. Learning new skills and engaging in productive work.

3. Intellectual and educational development.

4. Personal well-being and health, which is among the most important priorities.

5. Strengthening family and social bonds through positive means, rather than simply calling a mother, sister, or friend to engage in gossip.

6. Learning to cook different dishes and improving domestic skills.