Ibn Abbas on Romance, Respect, and Responsibility in Islamic Marital Life
Contents
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Introduction
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Overview of Ibn Abbas’ teachings on marital life
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Importance of romance, respect, and responsibility in Islam
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Leniency and Fulfillment of Obligations
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Qur’anic guidance: Surah Al-Baqarah 2:228
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Meaning of “rights of women” and “Darja”
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Commentary of Ibn Abbas
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Tafsir references (al-Tabari, Ibn Kathir, Ibn Atiya)
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Practical Example from Ibn Abbas
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Application of “men have a degree of responsibility over them”
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Being lenient in exercising rights
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Excusing the wife from certain obligations
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Whisper Words of Care and Tenderness
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Qur’anic guidance: Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187
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Tafsir of Ar-Rafath by Ibn Abbas and others
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Importance of emotional intimacy and communication
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The Role of the Wife in Romance
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Qur’anic reference: Surah Al-Waqia 56:36-38
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Meaning of Al-‘Urub
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Characteristics of affectionate, playful, and charming wives
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Tafsir references: Ibn Kathir, Al-Dahhak, others
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Conclusion
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Summary of balanced marital responsibilities
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Mutual love, respect, and moral excellence
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Key takeaways for a successful Islamic marriage
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1. He should be lenient regarding his rights over her, and HE MUST FULFILL ALL Of HIS OBLIGATIONS TOWARDS HER.
Allah says:
And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise”[al-Baqarah 2:228]
Meaning of first part: “And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.)”
Ibn Jarir narrated from Ibn Abbas:
عن ابن عبـاس، قال: إنـي أحبّ أن أتزين للـمرأة، كما أحبّ أن تتزين لـي لأن الله تعالـى ذكره بقول: { وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَـيْهِن بـالـمَعْرُوفِ }.
Ibn `Abbas said, “I love to take care of my appearance for my wife just like I love that she beautifies herself for me.” This is because Allah says:
(And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.)”
(Tafsir al Tabari and Tafsir Ibn Kathir under 2 : 228, Ahmad Shakir said: The chain is Authentic in Umda tul Tafsir an Hafid Ibn Kathir 1/277)
Tafsir of second part: Meaning of Darja.
Ibn Atiya (d 546 h) mentioned:
فقال ابن عباس: ” تلك الدرجة إشارة إلى حض الرجال على حسن العشر والتوسع للنساء في المال والخلق ” ، أي إن الأفضل ينبغي أن يتحامل على نفسه، وهذا قول حسن بارع،
Ibn Abbas said: The word “Darja” is an indication to the men to be good to women and to open himself so that he may spend on them with their maal and aqkhlaaq, meaning he should burden himself with that (responsibility of spending and having good Akhlaaq with them), (Ibn Atiya commented) this saying is the best. [Tafsir al Muharrar wal wajeez under 2:228]
2. Practice of Ibn Abbas on “men have a degree (of responsibility) over them”.
at-Tabari narrated:
عن ابن عبـاس، قال: ما أحبّ أن أستنظف جميع حقـي علـيها، لأن الله تعالـى ذكره يقول: { وَللرّجالِ عَلَـيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ }.
Ibn Abbas رضي الله عنه said :
“I do not like to invoke all of my rights over my wife due to the saying of Allah Almighty “Men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.”
(Tafsir al Tabari under 228)
Ibn Jareer Al Tabari رحمه الله mentioned that the Tafsir of Ibn Abbas is number one in this regard, he said :
وأولى هذه الأقوال بتأويـل الآية ما قاله ابن عباس، وهو أن الدرجة التـي ذكر الله تعالى ذكره فـي هذا الـموضع الصفح من الرجل لامرأته عن بعض الواجب عليها، وإغضاؤه لها عنه، وأداء كل الواجب لها عليه، وذلك أن الله تعالـى ذكره قال: { وَللرّجالِ عَلَـيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ } عقيب قوله: { وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَـيْهُنَّ بالمَعْرُوف }
“Number one saying among these interpretations is what Ibn Abbas said that the degree which Allah mentioned in this verse is, a man should excuse his wife from some of her obligations, he should be lenient regarding his rights over her, and HE MUST FULFILL ALL Of HIS OBLIGATIONS TOWARDS HER, as Allah mentioned: “men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.” And the saying “And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.)”
Tafsir al-Tabari 4776
3. Whisper words of care and tenderness to your wife, stirring her emotions and strengthening the bond of love between you.
Allah says:
It has been made permissible for you to be ar-rafath with your wives during the nights preceding the fast. Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them. 2 : 187
at-Tabari mentioned the Tafsir of Ibn Abbas and others that Ar-Rafath means intercourse but Allah used hints in the Quran۔ Then Tabari commented:
والرفث فـي غير هذا الـموضع الإفحاش فـي الـمنطق كما قال العجاج:
عَن اللَّغا وَرَفَثِ التَّكَلُّـم
And “Ar-Rafath” in contexts other than this one means obscenity in speech۔ (Tafsir at-Tabari 2 :187)
4. Be a romantic, charming, flirtatious, and pleasant wife rather than a boring kind.
Allah says about women of Jannah.
Loving (عُرُباً) . (Surah al Waqia 56:36-38)
The meaning of Arub.
Ibn Kathir said:
وقال الضحاك عن ابن عباس العرب العواشق لأزواجهن، وأزواجهن لهن عاشقون، وكذا قال عبد الله بن سرجس ومجاهد وعكرمة وأبو العالية ويحيى بن أبي كثير وعطية والحسن وقتادة والضحاك وغيرهم، وقال ثور بن يزيد عن عكرمة قال سئل ابن عباس عن قوله { عُرُباً } قال هي الملقة لزوجها. وقال شعبة عن سماك عن عكرمة هي الغنجة. وقال الأجلح بن عبد الله عن عكرمة هي الشكلة، ..، وقال تميم بن حذلم هي حسن التبعل. وقال زيد بن أسلم وابنه عبد الرحمن العرب حسنات الكلام
Al-Dahhak narrates from Ibn Abbas: “Al-‘Urub are those who are passionately in love with their husbands, and their husbands are passionately in love with them.”
The same was said by ʿAbdullāh ibn Sarjis, Mujāhid, ʿIkrimah, Abū al-ʿĀliyah, Yaḥyā ibn Abī Kathīr, ʿAṭiyyah, al-Ḥasan, Qatādah, al-Ḍaḥḥāk and others.
Thawr ibn Yazīd reported from ʿIkrimah: “Ibn ʿAbbās was asked about the verse {ʿuruban}, and he said: it means the woman who is full of affection towards her husband.”
Shuʿbah narrated from Simāk, from ʿIkrimah: “It means the coquettish (that is playfully alluring, flirtatious, and teasing).”
Al-Ajlaḥ ibn ʿAbd Allāh narrated from ʿIkrimah: “It means the playful and attractive.”
Tamīm ibn Ḥudhlum said: “It means good in treating the husband (ḥusn al-tabʿul).”
Zayd ibn Aslam and his son ʿAbd al-Raḥmān said: “Al-ʿurub are those who are pleasant in speech (ḥasanāt al-kalām).”
(Tafsir Ibn kathir 56:36-38)
Conclusion:
The teachings of Ibn Abbas on marital life emphasize a balance of love, respect, and responsibility between spouses. A husband should be lenient with his rights over his wife while fulfilling all his obligations toward her, demonstrating care through both actions and words. Likewise, a wife is encouraged to cultivate affection, charm, and pleasantness in her relationship, reflecting mutual love and emotional intimacy. These principles, supported by Qur’anic guidance and the interpretations of scholars, highlight that a successful marriage in Islam is built on compassion, respect, emotional engagement, and reciprocal care, where both partners strive to nurture love, harmony, and moral excellence in the household.